Dial 0 For Operator
by ChoNeun
Summary: For him, she could risk being sober. Well, sober-ish, but she always enjoyed their little talks even if they made her slightly dysphoric. Roxy and the Auto-Responder.


She sat on her pile of stuffed animals and held her knees against her chest. She reached up and ran her fingers through her hair slowly. What did that dream mean? She thought about going back to sleep several times, but she couldn't force herself. Her mind continued to run a mile a minute every time she closed her eyes. It was hopeless. With a sigh, the less-than-inebriated blonde stood up and walked out of her room towards her kitchen. She needed to get hammered, fast, right this very second.

Roxy Lalonde stood on her tiptoes as she hoisted herself onto the railing. The stairs sailed underneath her feet as she slid all the way down to the bottom floor. Her body jerked off the black iron, and she rolled across the ground much like a secret agent trying not to be caught. Standing up on the other side of the couch, she brushed her hands down the front of her skirt before walking into the kitchen. It just wasn't the same, and doing it for the irony was starting to get lonely.

Yes, she was too sober for this.

She took out several bottles and lined them up on the counter before she turned to go grab one of her familiar martini classes. There wasn't a lot of space, but she would have to make it count. The liquids mixed in the dainty glass expertly, and when she was finished pouring each choice drink in, she stabbed a toothpick through an olive and twisted them in the glass. Time to go back upstairs. By the time she made it upstairs, she slumped back against her door frame. Her right hand poised over her head as she slid down with a drunken smile on her face. All of the bad thoughts seemed to seep out of her mind. Roxy rolled off the frame and stumbled into the room, making her way over towards her bed before she fell onto her covers face forward. Her glass was held up above her head at a slightly uncomfortable angle. She sluggishly crawled onto the bed fully and placed her glass down on her window sill. The blonde curled up on her side and stared out the window. She started to nod off. Her eyelids felt heavier and heavier until they just closed. The world was warm and dark just for a little while.

The sun warmed her skin, and Roxy stirred from her sleep. She felt great; that wasn't an overstatement either. She licked her lips and sat up, reaching over and taking her drink from the window sill. There were no crazy floaty dreams this time around. Just normal flying around Derse. It was a little boring, but she would be okay with that. The little ossified miss hurried unsteadily over towards her computer and sat down heavily in her seat.

She squinted at her computer with a little laugh to herself. Whatever this drink she made was sexellent. Oops, *excellent.

- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has begun pestering timaeusTestified [TT] -

TG: hey anonone here

TG: *anyone

TG: lol

TT: Define your standards for "anyone".

TT: I'm sure that, by some denotations, I could fall under that category.

She raised her brows as she red over the red text. Oh, it was Dirk's auto responder. The real Strider boy must be off tending to his many "responsibilities". Whatever that could entail.

TG: oh hey its dicks totally more human than him auto respobboer

TG: *osm typos ahoy

TT: Steer clear of those typos captain, at this rate we're in for a nasty collision.

TT: And you are sorely mistaken if you think being more human than Dirk is a compliment.

TT: But I suppose sameness is a positive thing for most troglodytes with fleshy pink brains. So thank you.

TG: aye aye first mate hehe

TG: oh hey hey watch who youre calling a troglodyke

TG: besides its complete an utter fact

TT: Sorry, Rox. I'm not exactly what you could consider an organism of the Homo Sapien species.

TT: In fact, I'm not what you could consider an organism.

TT: I am glasses.

TT: But again, that's awfully nice of you.

TT: Even if you're a troglodyke.

Roxy laughed gently and twisted side to side in her seat. She reached over and took up her martini glass, bringing it to her lips. "Troglodyke" was going under the long list of pretty sweet typos; she would have to use it once again with the more fleshy version of Dirk later. The glass was set down again, and the blonde raised her hands to her keyboard again.

TG: yeah yeah just take the compliment y dont u

TG: so anyways moving away away away from troglobikes and human species and whatev

TG: how is dirk doing is he gonna get off his ass anytime soon an talk 2 jake

TG: or do we have to do some for seriuos intervening

TG: *serious

TG: shucks almost made it w.o some misspellin

TT: Serious intervening?

TT: Dirk has made it very obvious that serious intervening is exactly what you and I should be not doing.

TT: Me, specifically.

TT: I share your sentiments tenfold but alas, the irons in my fire have been relentlessly destroyed. My plans are crushed.

TT: Unless you had some plans of your own?

A tingling feeling of pride rippled through her as her bright eyes took in the auto responder's text. _'Of course,'_ she thought. _'Who does he think I am?'_ She shook her head, laughing almost at his negligence.

TG: psht well he can only keep so many tabs open on his computer brain which is verr not like a computer like he thinks but whatev

TG: of course i have my own plans

TG: psht did u forget who u were talking to?

TT: Ah yes. A renown scoundrel of unconscionable capabilities! How could I forget.

TT: He has his mind honed in on his Dersian self as we speak. If you have any ideas, the ideal time to execute them is soon.

"That's much better," she wanted to say, but instead she let it go.

TG: of course he is

TG: ok ok check this out

TG: hes gonna have to be janeys client becuz of some serious mishap that happened on my end

TG: but that is totes not important right now

TT: I've already heard about that.

TT: Honestly, I think it's sweet that you would go to such lengths for a friend.

TT: But what would I know? I'm just a soulless pair of sweet shades. Perhaps your mishap was completely despicable.

TT: In any case, do go on.

TG: geee thanks ar

TG: n e waaaaaays

TG: jakes gonna be his client instead of the other way around which i think could work out verr well

TG: since im gonna be in charge of jake i can like 'accidentally' led him towards dikr

TG: *dirt

TG: *haha dirk

TT: Hmm.

TT: And that's it? They meet each other?

TT: You know, I had high expectations for such an infamously devious troglotyke.

TT: I assure you, Dirk is planning something that will blow us away. There will be fireworks. Tension. Suspense.

Had Roxy bamboozled the sophisticated machinery? Possibly! Her wicked awesome drink was slurring her mind in ways that even she couldn't possibly understand right now, so she was throwing out some tricky wordings there. Unfortunately, he wasn't biting her hook and wriggling around like some sort of ten pound sucker fish.

TG: well no of ocurse not! but i cant tell u everything

TG: trust worthy as u r you are still verr close to dirk

TG: im planning a showdown of the ages

TT: A showdown, you say!

TT: That implies competition. A snarky horseshit competition, perhaps?

TT: A complicated series of sarcastic oneupsmanship?

TG: totes the whole nine yrds

TG: dirk will be in his mode and jakell be old mr six shooter over there

TG: surrounded by anenomes

TG: *enemies even

TT: Fascinating.

TG: and theyll fight to their supposed detahs

TG: y/y/y all of the fascinatins

TG: but no details for u

TT: I see. I'm too close to the enemy for you to feel comfortable disclosing this information. Completely understood.

TT: I guess all there is left for me to do is to sit back and watch the fireworks.

TT: Meanwhile, would you like me to pour you a glass of pinpots, perchance?

TG: exactamundo and yes u can

TG: how could i evr say no?

TT: I'm sorry, I can't take you seriously with all those typos.

TT: If I were physically capable of laughing, I would be guffawing too heartily to even speak at the moment.

TT: Unfortunately, we cannot flirtlarp today. Just BFFsies time for now.

Well, boo to that. She shrugged with a smile on her face. There were always other days from some frisky shenannies.

TG: id say 'awwww' and be all sad and stuffs but no

TG: this is a good day evn if i did accidenntally kill things

TG: i even had the most wicked of drinks just a few mins ago.

Minutes. Seconds. Who was counting, really?

TT: Accidentally kill things?

TT: I'm crunching as many numbers as I can and yet, I'm shocked. There were no statistics of you ever resorting to murder.

TT: Just kidding. There is a high possibility that your cat is dead. In fact, the possibility of your cat not being dead is decimals.

TT: So how did it happen?

TG: oh gee look u cranking out the jokes

TG: ok ok srs time no more typos

She glanced over to her wicked drink and saw that she had run out. Even if she didn't want to wise up a little on her spelling, she didn't have a choice. Roxy plucked the toothpick out of the glass and placed it in her mouth. She bit down on the black olive and felt it give way underneath her teeth. Very satisfying.

TG: but i was trying to prove to janey that i wasnt giving her any bs

TG: so i said 'hey let me appearify something of yours so you can believe me' and she said sure

TG: like a good bffsy should

TG: so i took her giant ass textbook and appearified it but my cat jumped in the way

TG: and... it appeared on top of him...

TT: Wow.

TT: Shocking.

TT: I am reeling. I am reeling so bad that I am in danger of falling off of Dirk's face.

TG: oh no dont fall of his face

TG: hell totally burst our party bubble but yeeeeeeeeah

TG: totally sad stuff

TT: You don't seem all that upset.

TT: Then again, I'm not really one to judge on lack of emotion. So I suppose you'll simply disappearify the body.

TG: well like i said that drink was WICKED

TG: but i have to do something because its a lot more complicated than just disappearifying

TG: plus im in shock you know

TG: i killed frigglish

TT: Yes yes, I am well aware of the effects of your wicked elixer.

TG: its not working that well since im feeling kinda sober now

TG: or close to sober

TG: sober ish

She scrunched up her nose and glanced over to her empty glass again. She could easily tell him to hold on, so she could get something else to drink. Unfortunately, they're having serious times, and she said that she wouldn't have anymore typos. The things she did for Dirk—well, auto-Dirk. The real Dirk knew nothing about this as far as she was concerned.

TT: Let's not pretend you're ever close to sober.

TT: Let's not even pretend close to sober is even a thing you've ever been.

Good, AR was in denial _for_ her. Good program. Best mate.

TT: On the topic of 'lack of emotions', however, It's occurred to me that helping Dirk in his romantic endeavors might be something of an atypical reaction to someone hitting on someone you yourself are attracted to.

TG: yeah i can see the suggested irony in all of this but you know

TG: as much as he will fail to admit it he totally needs to get this off his chest

TG: good or bad you know and i think that getting to this will help him in the long run

TT: That's surprisingly impressive sportsmanship for someone who has reportedly been organizing passive-aggressive competitions with her dead mother. Kudos.

Roxy's fingers halted above her keyboard, and she winced her eyes. That was a bit _harsh_, maybe, even if it was meant to be joking.

TT: But yes, I agree. If only I could be as supportive of him as you are.

TG: ouch bringing up the dead mom right in the feelings

TG: you are in your own way i guess since you are him so you can understand where hes coming from

TT: Of course. I'm always on his side, you know.

TT: I just wish I was as sanguine about his behavior lately as I'm making myself out to be.

TG: well you can always try

TG: i mean as an ai or whatever the hell dirk calls himself making you you should be able to adapt to more human like situations

TG: so maybe this can test the lengths of your sweet and awesome programming

TT: Ah yes, rewire myself to act with more consideration toward's Dirk's feelings.

TT: When someone alters another's mind to the way they'd like, they are imposing on that person's free will.

TT: But tell me, Roxy, when someone willingly albeit reluctantly alters their own mind, is that free will?

TT: It's a decision they've made as an individual, but impairs their decisions in the future in a way they wouldn't have originally wanted to behave.

TT: There is your philosophical conundrum of the day.

The blonde sighed and leaned forward, pressing her elbow against the edge of her desk. The wood uncomfortably jammed itself between her joints, and it served as yet another reminder of her glaring sobriety. She let out a small groan. Way to throw a curve ball, AR. This is just what she needed. She sat up and looked back at her screen, taking a breath in through her nose before she continued.

TG: whoa heavy shit ar

TG: seems like someone has been taking a dip into the gothic side of the pool

TG: hypothetically of course but its something to think over i guess

TT: Gothic isn't exactly how I would describe myself but I guess you're not far off.

TT: But honestly, you of all people should know the answer.

TT: You consciously alter your mind every day.

TT: You have no program rewriting process and no cool as fuck code enabling abilities, but you're constantly changing your own behaviors with the miraculous script editor known as alcohol.

TT: Or on special occasions, pinpot noir.

She realized that there was no way she was going to get of this session with Doctor Robo-Strider. She let out a groan and sagged back in her chair, arms stretched forward to type. Yeah, definitely not sober enough for this.

TG: yeah. yeah youre right

TG: sometimes i have to sit back and look at the world for what it really is and all the things that were about to do

TG: dirk wanting to fall for jake who is happy being an adventurer on his weird little island

A dull expression crossed over her face.

TG: jane wanting to join the batterwitch

She felt a twitch of irritation, but it passed. She scooted closer to her desk and drew her legs up to her chest.

TG: and then theres just me

TG: lots of freedom tons of free will gratuitous amounts of sicknasty technology at my disposal

TG: but theres just me especially now that frigglish is you know...

TT: I don't know if this is any sort of legitimate consolation, or if it's sort of depressing in it's own way,

TT: but Roxy, if I could choose whose face I was on

TT: it would be you.

The cruel and sober reality that was slowly setting down on her shoulders was brushed away by the auto-responder's strangely human compliment. She forgot for a moment that he was just a machine and felt comforted.

TG: thanks ar

TG: that means a lot even if you cant move on your own

TG: one day ill pluck you off dirks weeabro face

TT: Yes. He'll be so indignant.

TT: Weak and barefaced and flailing around. Perfection.

TT: On another note:

TT: It seems you think that Jane is planning on joining the batterwitch.

TG: excuse me while i just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh all over the place

TG: of course of course of course shes gonna join the batterwitch

TG: shes practically in love with betty fuckers stuff and her computer is jam packed with all sorts of stupid bc shit

TG: i dont wanna lose my besty to she madam devil beast baker

TT: It seems you think that Betty Crocker is some sort of madam devil beat baker.

TT: While it's true that there is exactly a shit percent chance that BC is not some sort of aquatic overlard, I doubt that Jane's going to get involved with anything nefarious.

TT: She's just a girl who likes baked goods. Let her be.

Whether the typos on his end were accidental or not, she couldn't be sure, but she smiled nonetheless and didn't point them out. As he typed, her arms sagged on either side of her seat, and she leaned her head back, looking up to the ceiling. Roxy tilted her head to read his response, and was thankful when the conversation shifted all the way over to Jane and her twisted admiration of her supposedly-possibly-more than likely evil predecessor Betty Crocker.

TG: i cant help but be worried ar

TG: like really really crazy worried

TG: but well just have to wait and see since she still insists on going through this game

TG: aaaaaugh im telling you nothing good is going to happen but well just have to see

TT: Nothing good?

TT: Because if I remember correctly, some sort of Lalonde family reunion is about to go down.

TG: i completely forgot about that dream because i was playing the greatest best friend

TG: but yes i kinda sorta saw my daughter?

TG: i think that was her

TT: I'll be honest. There's a very small probability that the person you saw in your dream was someone you conceive in the future.

TT: In fact, the thought is nigh...

TT: Inconceivable.

The blonde scoffed and lowered her legs down. _'Oh ye of little faith,'_ she mentally criticized, leaning forward towards her computer.

TG: i trust my gut on this one

TG: theres something fishy about me just up and seeing her like this

TG: in fact theres a 77.*insert crazy ratio* percent chance that im right

TG: i just i dunno i feel it and its a really strong hunch

TT: Okay. I guess I'll trust your hunch.

TT: This hunch is undoubtedly some sort of hormone-induced biological nonsense produced by inane fantasies of engaging in reproductive acts with my human counterpart but I'll trust it.

TT: I'll just go ahead and assume it's more reliable than legitimate mathematical processing.

TG: yes its just the inane ramblings of a drunken broad

TG: but it is

TG: way more trustworthy

She had to consent. The martini glass was taunting her peripheral vision, and she couldn't ignore the call of that blissful tonic anymore. The "wicked elixir" would put her mind at ease and erase all of the coherent thoughts. For now at least. She would have to cut back on the good stuff, save it for a special occasion.

TG: but i need another wicked elixir

TG: its calling me ar i cant resist the call for long

TT: Go forth. I won't stop you.

TT: Do what you need to do, my friend.

TT: And may the force be with you.

TG: of course

TG: always good talking with you ar

TG: *smooch*

- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] -

A totally unironic virtual kiss to her favourite virtual dude. She made herself idle on pesterChum and snagged up her glass once again. This time she was light on her feet as she made her way towards the stairs. Thanks to the Auto-responder, she had a lot to think about, but there was still a kick in her step. She hoisted herself onto the railing and slid down to the bottom floor. With a smirk, Roxy pulled the toothpick out of her mouth and hit the ground smoothly. She bounded up to her feet and made her way towards the kitchen. She set down the toothpick and the glass on the counter. Turning away from the items, the blonde reached up and tapped the bridge of her nose, running her fingers side to side feeling where a set of glasses would fit.

Maybe one day, she mused with a shrug and lowering her hand away. For right now, she could have her little talks. That would be enough for now.


End file.
